area boys: a short film

For more on this fascinating film project, please visit the area boys site.

(Thanks to Jeremy at naijablog for the link!)

Don't you just hate it when that happens?

This brings a whole new meaning to the idea of getting someone's goat!

Ah-ah, Nigeria. Na-wa-oh!

‘I’m not hearing you-oh’: A Beginner’s Guide to Naija GSM etiquette

Me: ‘Hello?’
Caller: ‘Hello?’
Me: ‘Hello, hello’
Caller: ‘Hello!’
Me: ‘Good morning’
Caller: ‘Good morning. How are you?’
Me: ‘I’m fine and you?’
Caller: ‘Are you hearing me?’
Me: ‘I’m hearing you’
Caller: ‘Are you hearing me? I’m not hearing you well-oh!’
Me: ‘I’m hearing you, I’m hearing you’
Caller: ‘Okaaaay, hello.’
Me: ‘Hello’
Caller: ‘Who is on the line?’ [note: they called me]
Me: ‘Ellie. Who am I talking to?’
Caller: ‘Na me-oh. Ahhh, who be dis?
Me: ‘Na be Ellie’
Caller: ‘Who?’
Me: ‘Ellie-Ellie-Ellie’
Caller: ‘Ahhh, okay’
Me: ‘Who am I speaking to?’
[repeat to fade…]

Of course, these conversations can only take place when MTN (the main GSM network in Nigeria) is playing ball. Which, at the moment, is not very often. It’s all ‘network busy’ this, ‘error in connection’ that. Or perhaps the vaguely robotic lady with a posh Nigerian accent will advise that ‘the number you have dialled is not av-ail-able’ (she’s lying!) or you’ll be redirected to an non-existent voicemail box. Or, perhaps most frustratingly, the connection will disappear mid-call – leaving you hanging, mid-sentence.

Text messages aren’t much better. In fact it seems that there is a specific sub-section of the Law of Sod which dictates that important texts (which, invariably, you’ve sent in desperation because you can’t get through to someone) will arrive hours (or even days) later, if they arrive at all. Meanwhile the not-very-important-I’m-sitting-waiting-to-see-someone-and-thought-I’d-drop-you-a-line texts get straight through every time. Go figure.

Naija Survival Kit

Three things I couldn't live without:




For those long, sweaty nights without power (errr, that'll be every night, then).



For my daily tea and toast fest.





For my (many, many) mossie bites

Rose-tinted?

From romansfeet.org via Voice in the Desert

How [not] to write about Africa

Binyavanga Wainana's guide to literary stereotyping (from the current edition of 'Developments' magazine).

"Always use the word "Africa" or "Darkness" or "Safari" in your title. Subtitles may include the words "Zanzibar", "Masai", "Zulu", "Zambezi", "Congo", "Nile", "Big", "Sky", "Shadow", "Drum", "Sun" or "Bygone". Also useful are words such as "Guerrillas", "Timeless", "Primordial" and "Tribal"..."

Interested? Read on here!

Pseudonym

Essential Naija Reading

Rain, rain, go away.

Bloody rainy season!

Some rainy day reading for you all:

Jeremy's blog

Gruaniad piece

An excellent idea...

In my country (part 2)…

…playing terrible Christian rock at 5.45am is just not the done thing

…‘meeting starts at 10am’ means just that

…rubbish goes in bins, which are collected by refuse trucks and taken to landfill sites

…pissing in public is only acceptable for the under-fives


Whereas in Nigeria…

…if you’ve got it [light], you flaunt it [by ‘sharing’ your godrock collection at top volume] whatever time of day or night it happens to be

…the meeting starts when everyone’s arrived (usually sometime after 12)

…rubbish goes wherever you decide to chuck it – out of the car window, on vacant plots of land in housing estates, in storm drains

…the world is your toilet. No, really. And I’m not just talking number ones [shudder]